


Zari and Troy are Bad at Dating

by otaka101



Series: ...And Then There Were Two [5]
Category: Saints Row
Genre: Other, and their terrible fucking relationship, but this has been on my mind for days now, in which I start a miniseries on Zari and Troy, should i be writing that novelization?, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 15:38:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8377726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otaka101/pseuds/otaka101
Summary: In which I write a few instances in which Troy and Zari actually get past milestones in their relationship rather than dwelling on what could've been.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This one is set in SR2, not even halfway through the game Zari wants to ask Troy on a date but their adhd and the after effects of having been in a coma for so long really can kill a mood. I guess that gratuitous murder can do that too, so it's a moot point really.

.15

Zari looks over the side of the building, a parachute sinking in on itself behind them as a plane without a pilot flies overhead towards the sea where it would crash, that was if it didn’t happen to hit any buildings on the way. Zari rolled up a paper with their bud in it and took a long contented breath as they overlooked the city of Stilwater and lit the blunt. They took a long drag and took the phone from their pocket, closing their messenger bag and beginning to roll up their parachute. Dialing the number, they calmly waited for the familiar ringing tone to give way to the sound of a voice as they began to fold up the parachute and untangle it.

“Hello?”

They grinned, “Hey, Troy, how ya doin’?”

“Hm, I’d be better if you and Lu would lay off your mass murdering tendancies for one week long enough to catch up on all this paperwork.”

“Aw,” Zari crooned, “Troy, you sound a bit stressed. Surely the paperwork can’t be that bad.”

“….Can’t be _that bad_ , right? Can’t be tha—wow, ok. Sure, I mean I am literally up to my hat in legal forms, wavers, property damage costs, collateral damage, the casualty reports are fucking staggering— _what in the actual fuck do you mean it can’t be that bad_?”

“Tsk, tsk, no need to get touchy with me.”

“Oh yeah, because I’m the one out of line here.”

“Yup.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Y’know Troy, I could recommend you to a really talented masseuse if it’s really that bad.”

“See, I would take you up on that offer, but things always spiral out of control whenever you recommend something to me.”

Zari scoffed, “They don’t always spiral out of control.” They paused to take in a long drag from the blunt and begin rolling up the parachute to put back in the backpack. “Besides, the last time I recommended you to her, I forgot that she would offer extra services.”

“Right. You forgot.”

“What can I say, I’m usually the masseuse and most clients get angry if you don’t do extra. Seriously, people are fucking terrible at tipping.”

“Ok sure but when the fuck did you become a masseuse? Actually lets go back even farther, when in the past five years you were comatose did you learn how to be a masseuse? Seriously you had your hands full back when you were rolling with the Saints back in the day.”

“Pfft, you make it seem like I’m not with the Saints now-wait hold up.” They looked at their phone as it began ringing for another call. The ringtone was the song ‘Bitch Better Have my Money’ and the caller ID was Luana with little hearts and stars around the name. “Getting another call, give me a sec.”

“Sure, I mean, it’s not like I’m at work or anything right now. Go right ahead.”

 Zari rolled their eyes and finally finished rolling up the parachute and shoved into their bag, “Oh boohoo, Troy.” They sat down on the edge of the building and put Troy on hold to answer the call. “’Sup, Lu?”

“Yo, me and Johnny are making a fucking killing over here at the Ronin’s casino.”

Zari’s brows furrowed, “I thought we already robbed it?”

“Oh yeah, but y’know we pissed off some Brotherhood because of their shitty driving, killed those dicks, got into a car chase-that the police joined in by the way, on our side- accidentally ran over a few of those yellow jacketed idiots on motorcycles and then as we were hunting them down because they sent over like sixty guys in those tacky ass outfits and useless cars, the brotherhood ran over two of them, one of their trucks blew up and—” Lu paused as there was a giant crashing and a louder booming sound in the background followed up by heavy rounds of gunfire and yelling.

Zari heard Johnny yelling, “Tell Zari to get the fuck over here, their missing out on all the fun!”

“You heard ‘em Zari! Get your ass over here!”

“Lu, I’m trying to ask Troy on a date.”

More gunfire and raucous laughter, “OH MY FUCKIN— TROY?! DO BETTER FOR YOURSELF FOR FUCKS SAKE!”

“Zari what the fuck.”

“Wait pass the phone to Johnny, gotta tell ‘em somethin’.”

“It’s on speaker.”

“Mmkay. HEY JOHNNY SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

“SHUT UP AND GET BETTER STANDARDS! AH-HUH!”

“JOHNNY THAT WAS AMAZING HOW DID HER HEAD EXPLODE LIKE THAT?”

“SHE JUST COULDN’T HANDLE ALL OF THIS!”

Zari chuckled under their breath, “Alright guys, I gotta go. Wish me luck.”

“DO BETTER.”

“Assholes!”

Zari hung up, pausing to grab a ball and begin squeezing it and rolling it around between their fingers as they put Troy back through.

“’M back.”

“Who were you even talking to?”

“Lu and Johnny.”

“I was going to ask you if you could tell them to knock it off but,” Zari could almost see him take off his hat and run his hands through his hair in frustration, “I know that’ll do fuck all anyway so I won’t.”

Zari snorted, “No shit.”

“Anyway what were you calling for?”

Troy heard a gasp over the phone, “Zari? What’s wrong?”

Zari stared down after the little ball that fell from their hands and rolled into the street in utter desolation. Then in unholy glee as someone who was rollerblading tripped on it and slammed into a moving car. The person who was rollerblading was alive but the subsequent cars crashing into each other and the fight that was ensuing was more than enough to make up for a lost stress ball. Besides, they thought to themself, pulling out yet another stress ball from the yawning pit that was their bag that somehow managed to hold everything that they carried, that was why they carried a shit ton of balls.

Zari shrugged, squeezing on their new ball and watching the chaos unfold below them, no that Troy could see the motion. “I just dropped my ball is all.”

“Oh, ok.”

“You’re not even gonna ask about the noise?”

“Are you kidding me? There is a riot going on at any part of the city at any given time. I’m not even going to worry about it at this point. You’d think that it’s the gangs causing most of it but no, random civilians pick at least half of the fights not caused by gangs.”

“So, who else is causing fights?”

“You should know with how often you go on the FUZZ.”

“Eh, I guess.”

“So, was there a reason you were calling me or…?”

Zari furrowed their brow, taking the blunt out of their mouth, and squeezing the ball harder. “I—ok so I had a legit reason to call you, but I can’t remember what I was trying to say.”  


“Eh, just give it a minute. It usually doesn’t take you that long to remember.”

“I mean yeah, but,” They scrubbed at their temples, in physical pain from not being able to remember what they had to say, their legs bouncing wildly up and down in agitation. “I shouldn’t forget. It’s so frustrating.”

“Well, ok what did you do last up to this point?”

“Uhhh, ok so I think—” they looked at the parachute backpack, “Alright, so I know that I just stole an airplane after taking out a base for the brotherhood with Lu like a couple of hours ago.”

“Oh yeah, I heard about all of the bodies they had to scrape up off the runway, but that was like a two in the morning?”

“Yeah, me and Lu had some really bomb coffee and she was like, ‘Let’s do some house cleanin’, bitch!’ and I was like ‘Fuck ye!’”

“Where is this story even going?”

“Nah Troy, I gotta do this, I have to retrace my steps in the last twenty-four hours.”

“Why twenty-four? You used to only go back like three hours.”

“C’mon, Troy, you’re getting me off track. Ok, so I was with Lu because I had just been doing some assassination contracts earlier that night. That one dude—”

“In the cemetery. Trust me I remember that guy, it was a treasure hunt for the body parts.”

“Yeah. By the way, did you like the message I sent you?”

“…it only said ‘hi’.”

“Yeah, I know. I was really tired because before that I was uhhhh, I fuck what did I—oh! OHohohohhoh! Ok, for a solid hour I was contemplating life after killing that one guy dressed up as a fucking sheep and I realized I wasn’t high and I y’know was like ‘what am I doing with my life?’. So, I went to the club, drank some vodka, smoked at a bunch of different blunts, left the bar finally, saw your officers drag a guy out of his car and beat him to death. I was just done so I wanted to just get into the cop’s car and just let them drive around for a bit.”

“How long had you been smoking? That’s just so far out there, even for you.”

“Shhh, so I got into the car, and the officer just got out and I realized that I got into the passenger’s side rather than the backseat.”

“So that’s why she quit the force yesterday.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, so then I did—BITHC BETTER HAVE MY MONEY!”

“Jesus CHRIST, Zari! The phone was at my ear!”

“Sorry, nah I was gonna ask you ouwwwwwwwww hrrrm yeah. Ok. So, anyway, wanna smoke a bowl with me later?”

“I’d ask but I’m not going to because I don’t want to. I’m so done.”

“But do you wanna smoke a bowl with me or not?”

“Fuck yea, if I get to smoke my cigarettes.”

“Ew.”

“You smoke all the time I can’t believe you are this nit picky.”

“Calm down Troy, I mean I didn’t say no.”

“But yeah, whatever, I’m down.”   


“Fuck ye! I’ll meet up with you at Leather and Lace.”

“Why there? Why can you never pick any good places to meet up?

“Last time you chose, you picked a literal brothel.”

“Oh what was that? I can’t hear you over the memory of you screaming for me not to stop and how good it was.”

“I wasn’t doin’ all of that.”

“Yes you were, you were begging to suck my dick and not stop hitting it from the side. And besides, you killed people!”

“It was a Samedi base! I had a job to do!”

“At least they still let us take the room.”

“So stop complaining. Leather and Lace is a significant step up.”

“Whatever. See you at ten?”

“See you later.”


End file.
